The Gate of the Voyagers

Rock of Love: Bi Bi, Birdie

Welcome back to the second to last week of Rock of Love! This week is the meet the parents episode. I doubt anyone could beat trashy fabulousness of the Family Flash, or the level of psychotic achieved by the herpes ridden Family Psycho, but I’m game to find out.

i’ve in no way seen anyone so inventive with the waddle tuck as cross eyed soccer mom.

So, we’re down to the top three: Cross Eyed Soccer Mom Ambre, Muppet Daisy and Bisexual Destiney. Big John kicks off the day with a gift of buckets of cleaning supplies. Oh come on, that’s not gonna be enough to clean these hos up. But alas, it’s for house cleaning. They put on rubber gloves and start scrubbing bathrooms.

Ashlee Simpson
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And just as they’re wondering why exactly they’re cleaning house, the doorbell rings. And it’s Soccer Mom’s dad, Randy! Randy’s a proper Midwestern guy who’s dressed appropriately for the occasion in a maroon sweatshirt. Soccer Mom shrieks, it’s a wonderful moment she tells us. “After everything I’ve been going through emotionally, physically, psychologically, it feels good to have my Dad there,” she says. Good Lord, woman, you’re doing reality dating on cable, it’s not like you’ve been to war. Perspective, Soccer Mom.

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Well, she can’t wait for her Dad to meet Bret, but first she needs to give her Dad a big, incestuous hug for like five minutes. Bret comes out of his fake bedroom, and hello Barbie, isn’t your hair looking purty today! Soft and flowing - I see someone’s determined not to have his follicular authenticity questioned today, as Psycho Herpes Daddy did last season. “Sir?” Bret says to Randy about five times, but he’s too busy feeling up his little girl, and Bret is ignored.

Archive for the ‘Ashlee Simpson‘ Category

Ashlee Simpson. ASHLEESIMPSONFAN. A-Simpson.Net Top 24/7 Source for …
Welcome to Ashlee Simpson Fan your top Ashlee Simpson fansource. You may know Ashlee from her roll as Cecilia , in "7th Heaven", or from her being a platinum recording artist.

It’s just been announced that Ashlee Simpson has been sold into a partnership with teeny bopper mall store Wet Seal. The store will launch a new collection of tops ‘designed’ by …

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Here’s Ashlee Simpson on vacation in Costa Rica with her boyfriend. I was hoping we’d get some Jessica Simpson bikini pictures, but I guess these will do for now.

Ashlee Simpson - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Ashlee Nicole Simpson (born October 3 , 1984 ) is an American pop rock singer , songwriter , actress , and former ballet dancer who is also the younger sister of pop singer Jessica …

excuse me. maybe you didn’t hear me. i said hair.

Finally, Soccer Mom and her Dad detach and Bret instructs them to tour the house. Soccer Mom tells us her Dad is a proper Southern gentleman, he’s church going, and she’s wondering what he will be subjected to. Upstairs, Muppet’s worried because the last time she saw her Dad was when she was seventeen, and her Mom when she was twenty. She doesn’t have a traditional family, she says. Oh, that’s sad. Wonder what the story is behind that skeleton.

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But we’ll have to wait to find out, cause the next time the doorbell rings, it’s for Bisexual. I have to look really closely at her Dad, cause is that a huge tattoo encircling his head? So creepy. Also, Daddy Bi is wearing a maroon (did the Daddys coordinate at the Holiday Inn this morning?) jacket with a big cross embroidered on the back. The old Bret would have totally worn that jacket.

Soccer Mom and Bisexual introduce their families, and Muppet is feeling awkward. She’s been on her own since she was fifteen, and she wishes she had some parents. Really, poor, sad little Muppet. She’s wondering if they’ve tracked down her parents or her uncle? Doubtful ho, this ain’t Maury.

twins!

And Muppet’s special guest star is a trailer-ish looking lady named Stephanie. Stephanie has accessorized for television with a jumbo sized claw clip in some fried looking hair. And oddly, Stephanie is her ex Charles’ sister. Oh, this isn’t awkward at all. Should do lots to perpetuate the story of Muppet and Charles being officially over.

Bret says he’s really looking forward to getting to know the parents. And then we get a little flashback to last season’s disaster with Psycho Herpes Daddy, and Daddy Flash standing by with a beer while Flash spewed verbal vomit about Psycho Herpes’ sexual exploits at Bret’s house. That was so great.

So Bret and the new parents eat and drink and Bret gallantly plays bartender. But when he offers a cocktail to Daddy Bi, he is turned down because Daddy Bi has liver cancer and only has six months to live. Tonight’s episode’s a real tearjerker. And I commend Bisexual for never having mentioned it, you know if it was Soccer Mom, she would have thrown that info, along with her patented fake crying, into every other conversation.

Daddy Bi and Bret bond over their love of Harleys. Daddy Bi shows …

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